This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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