Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize