at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
BRING THE BAGELS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
