These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
