so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
