three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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