I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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