Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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