Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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