remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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