my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
