I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
