Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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