I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
