It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
