I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
