Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
