my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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