Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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