omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
