He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
