I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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