Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
