if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
