This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize