Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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