I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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