you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize