Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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