Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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