i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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