well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
