Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
