How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
birth control should be required to get into college
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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