If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
