Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
