every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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