apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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