Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
