Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
