I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
