I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
