You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
