i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
