She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
