How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
