He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
