1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
