He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
