God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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