6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
