apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
