Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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