The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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