I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
