I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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